Author: kelestev

  • herland

    herland

    “They were inconveniently reasonable, these women.”

    Charlotte Perkins Gilman

    JEFFREY: An undercover policeman posing as a hitman. He is quiet but strong.
    SAM: A woman planning to have her husband killed. She is prideful but full of fear.


    JEFFREY sits in the driver’s seat of a car. He wears street clothes. SAMANTHA enters STAGE LEFT and steps into the passenger seat. She wears pajamas.
    SCENE 1
    SAM: Good morning.
    JEFFREY: Hello.
    (beat.)
    SAM: I need you to…
    JEFFREY: You need me to…?
    SAM: …kill my husband. Yes.
    JEFFREY: Kill your husband? I see. Yes.
    SAM: I need to figure out…
    JEFFREY: Figure out…?
    SAM: …when I…need it done. Thursday?
    JEFFREY: Thursday.
    SAM: Yes. I need it done Thursday. I work.
    JEFFREY: And what about the money? The money…
    SAM: The money is being worked out. I’ll deal with it.
    JEFFREY: And this money…?
    SAM: This money…
    JEFFERY: It’s…
    SAM: It’s his life insurance.
    JEFFREY: Life insurance. And the way…
    SAM: The way it needs to be done?
    JEFFREY: Yes. You said…
    SAM: …a robbery. I want it to look like a robbery. But…
    JEFFREY: But…?
    SAM: I’ve got this friend.
    JEFFREY: Mhmm.
    SAM: (getting worked up.) I just… I don’t want…This friend wants to move in with me and I don’t… I don’t want her to be scared.
    JEFFREY: I see. And is there…?
    SAM: He should be outside. I need him outside. I don’t want to mess up the house. The house…
    JEFFREY: Is there any money…?
    SAM: You want money…?
    JEFFREY: Yes. Now?
    SAM: Now. Okay. I will…
    JEFFREY: Bring the money?
    SAM: Next time.
    JEFFREY: What date?
    SAM: Date? Pick a date. Surprise me…
    JEFFREY: …on a Thursday…
    SAM: A Thursday. Is there anything else?
    JEFFREY: I need…
    SAM: Floor plan. Money. Picture of my husband.
    JEFFREY: Yes…
    SAM: Okay. I will…
    JEFFREY: …see you tomorrow…


    SCENE 2
    JEFFREY sits in the driver’s seat of a car. SAMANTHA enters STAGE LEFT and steps into the passenger seat.
    SAM: (repeats methodically as she enters the vehicle.) Floor plan. Money. Picture of my husband.
    JEFFREY: …and is this…?
    SAM: All you will need.
    JEFFREY: …and why…?
    SAM: Why do it?
    JEFFREY: Yes…
    SAM: It is easier than divorcing him.
    JEFFREY: Do you want me to…?
    SAM: Painless. Make it painless.
    JEFFREY: Painless…
    (beat.)
    SAM: (whispers.) Please.
    (beat.)
    SAM: …Is this…
    JEFFREY: This.
    SAM: Is this a…bad idea for me?
    JEFFREY: Well.
    SAM: But what…What happens if you get caught?
    JEFFREY: I’ll take care of it. I know people.
    SAM: …and if it doesn’t…?
    JEFFREY: Doesn’t?
    SAM: If it doesn’t work.
    JEFFREY: Well.
    SAM: Well?
    JEFFREY: (mutters.) Won’t.
    SAM: Hm?
    JEFFREY: Hm?
    SAM: Did you…?
    JEFFREY: Did I?
    SAM: …did you say something…?
    JEFFREY: What?
    SAM: No.
    JEFFREY: No.
    SAM: I feel…
    JEFFREY: Feel?
    SAM: I don’t want to…
    JEFFREY: …to…
    SAM: …hurt his family, you see? You see?
    JEFFREY: I see.
    SAM: This is…heartbreaking…to me…
    JEFFREY: Heartbreaking.
    SAM: No. It’s okay. I’m so very sorry. I wish… I wish I could… I wish I could just get it over with. But I don’t want to… I don’t want to…have this hatred. I don’t want…his family… I just want it done.
    JEFFREY: You’ll get it done.
    SAM: I’ll… get it done.
    (beat.)
    JEFFREY: Just so you know…
    SAM: So I know?
    JEFFREY: After you leave, it is done.
    SAM: Done.
    JEFFREY: There is no turning back. I will do it after this.
    SAM: Done.
    JEFFREY: Whether you like it or not. It will get done. He will die, you know?
    SAM: I know.
    JEFFREY: Okay. You know.
    SAM: Okay.
    JEFFREY: Is there anything else?
    SAM: Is there…?
    JEFFREY: Anything else.
    SAM: …no.
    JEFFREY: Nothing.
    SAM: No. Thank you.
    JEFFREY: Thank you.
    SAM: Good luck.
    JEFFREY: Good luck to you.
    SAMANTHA opens the car door, steps out, and exits STAGE LEFT.
    Blackout
    .

  • irony poisoning and the chronically online

    irony poisoning and the chronically online

    I read an article today about “irony poisoning” and it presented me with a stark view of how the Internet, social media, and meme culture influence us as humans to a degree that is frankly, absurd.

    I would consider myself to be about halfway to the point of being “chronically online” or so it’s called. I spend far too much time doom-scrolling on twitter dot com, but not enough time to feel triggered when somebody uses ketchup as blood in a TikTok and doesn’t put the typical “TW!!!!!!!” in the caption. I’m not falling victim to being hyper-politically correct at the expense of sounding like a complete idiot.

    But I’m still no stranger to what is known as being “chronically online”. I’m constantly finding myself scrolling through TikTok at home, listening to internet culture podcasts during my very long commute, and scrolling through LinkedIn at work.

    It’s inescapable, and it really never ends.

    Occasionally I’ll find myself quoting Vines, such as that classic Gabriel Gundacker vine: “Dick Cheney made money off the Iraq War.” I must confess I barely even know who Dick Cheney is, and I barely even know when the Iraq War was. But I still say it because I think it’s funny, and I really like Gabriel Gundacker. I don’t really understand what I’m saying, I just say it. And I’ll keep saying it, until perhaps I’ll internalize it, thinking, “Maybe Dick Cheney really did make money off the Iraq War…”

    By the way, that Vine reference I’m making is so incredibly niche, which is another interesting facet of Internet culture nowadays. To understand a meme or a joke you have to have knowledge of twenty other things beforehand. For example, Gabriel Gundacker, the creator of that vine, also made a fantastic but absolutely ridiculous album, “I Wanna Meet Richard Dreyfuss”. You have to understand so many things first to see the humor in this. It’s good you should listen to it.

    But perhaps that’s a little silly. Similarly, there’s that viral TikTok from a while ago: “The birds work for the bourgeoisie.” Yet again, ridiculous, but is there an underlying message to retrieve from that? Probably not, it’s okay to make a joke for the joke’s sake, but it’s worth the effort to think about. Or is it?

    Oftentimes I find there’s not a lot of thought going into anything that’s posted on social media, regardless of the medium. When there is some thought, it’s regarded as absolutely crazy, like, “Whoa, look at this hot take!” because it’s so rare. Which is sad, I know. And I’d like to see a change in that.

    Anyways, let’s talk about irony poisoning, you know, as mentioned in the title of this blog post. In this article, I learned that my fav Pepe has been used as a symbol for Nazis online. What? Why? How? He’s just a sad little frog guy, but the presence and constant barraging of content with Nazism and white supremacy and other bad things have come to be associated with the meme, further “poisoning” what used to be jokes into genuine thoughts. One of my favorite notes:

    It’s not clear how important social media is to any irony poisoning. Maybe there’s something about social media that enables the process, or maybe it just happens to play out there sometimes.

    Amanda Taub and Max Fisher

    But obviously social media has to have a large role in the effects of irony poisoning, right? And some platforms have to be more influential than others. Like, Pinterest as a platform can’t be as terrible and dark as Twitter or Reddit, right? Perhaps all corners of the Internet play some role in the eventual downfall into evil of some poor iPad kid turned social media intern.

    Being chronically online is virtually (ha) impossible to avoid nowadays, especially for us young whippersnappers. In order for a marketer to effectively market, they’ve pretty much got to be online, especially with how fast trends are coming and going. If you’re a big brand, you’ve got to have such a quick turnaround if you want to stay trendy. You can’t be posting “Little Miss” memes a month from now; it’ll be dead and gone by then. My reference right there is about to be dead.

    But, you also don’t want to be chronically online like that, because it can lead to such bad things, like turning into some sort of white supremacist. Now that’s bad. It’s hard to determine the effects the Internet and social media have on you until you purposefully force yourself out of it. I know lots of people who say things like, “Yeah I quit social media five months ago, and honestly, it was the best decision of my life. I’m the happiest I’ve ever been.” And part of me is like, “God I wish that were me,” and the other part of me is like, “Wow you are so entitled and very out of touch now.” so it’s something I grapple with from time to time. Some days are worse than others.

    One of the best works out there which truly shows being chronically online is Bo Burnham’s Netflix special “Inside”. Man, that thing hurt me when I first listened to it. Now I’ve been a fan of Bo Burnham for a long time, and his “We Think We Know You” piece is absolutely fantastic. But Inside is a perfect example of that sort of joke within a joke within a joke. I never thought I’d be sitting in my car singing along to a hip-hop rendition of “You’re really gonna make me vote for Joe Biden”. But alas. Here I am. It’s so niche, so pertinent, so poignant, and so, so relatable. That ending in Goodbye saying “Well, well, look who’s inside again, went out to look for a reason to hide again…” Ugh. Hits me right in the feels. That’s what being chronically online is, in a very artistic way.

    Anyways, in the grand scheme of things, I think I’m relatively okay with the amount of time I spend online. Some days I wish I were active on every platform available so I can fully hone in on my online brand, but other days I want to delete everything and start over. I find it invaluable to find a good balance because too much turns you into an idiot and too little turns you into an idiot.

    In another article from Columbia Journalism Review, we’ve got a clear look on why it’s important to follow trends closely but not too closely:

    The best of these journalists are immersed in the internet but do not obsess over viral moments, which fly by too fast and seem, in isolation, to be trivial. By focusing on creators, communities, and the algorithm-based platforms that drive trends, these writers find ways to cut through the noise—and surface a deeper understanding of life, online and off.

    Karen Maniraho

    We’ve all got our own niche, our own experiences that are completely different from every person on the planet, and focusing on those differences can be a quick and easy way to find the beauty in the world, but of course, there is still a lot of hate found in trying to see those differences. So perhaps being chronically online, in an extreme case, truly does lead to this “irony poisoning”.


    TikTok is especially interesting. It’s got so many users—an insane amount really, but those users are strangely just on TikTok. A creator who has 7 million followers on TikTok has under a million subscribers on YouTube. Granted, it does seem to be quite difficult to gain a large amount of subscribers on YouTube, but still, there’s quite the gap there. I love seeing a TikTok creator’s Instagram account in which their bio says something to the effect of: “TikTok: (7M+)” to prove that they’re a real creator or something. In the grand scheme of things, it seems like creators like this are still micro-celebrities, when on just one platform they have the majority of their followers. It’s a strange inconsistency between all the social media platforms, and I wish there was a way to even them out. On Linkedin I have 500+ connections; on Instagram I have around 230 followers, and on Twitter I have around 25. Instagram does seem to be dying these days, but still.


    I think anyone older than Gen Z needs to figure out how to get their head in the digital game. TikTok, and for that matter anything Internet, is definitely not going anywhere, so you better get used to it (but of course not too used to it). I have 30-year-old professors who don’t know how to use Microsoft Teams, and that’s just plain ignorance. Sarah Schauer, on her podcast Violating Community Guidelines, said something to the effect of “You are too young to be this stupid on the Internet” and I wholeheartedly agree. Get with the program, dude. It’s not like you grew up without zip codes.

    Anyways, me ranting again. Sorry. It’s just fascinating to see the effects being online has on people, especially in terms of memory, which brings in my next article, from The Guardian. While yes, Pepe can eventually make you a raging racist, your smartphone can also make you very forgetful:

    So what happens when we outsource part of our memory to an external device? Does it enable us to squeeze more and more out of life, because we aren’t as reliant on our fallible brains to cue things up for us? Are we so reliant on smartphones that they will ultimately change how our memories work (sometimes called digital amnesia)? Or do we just occasionally miss stuff when we don’t remember the reminders?

    Rebecca Seal

    I have an Alexa at home. For some reason, I have yet to have repeated alarms, so I just set the same one every night, hoping I won’t forget to say “Hey Alexa, set an alarm for 6AM please!”

    My partner, however, is smarter than me. He has repeated alarm, which goes off at 4:15AM every weekday. But I’ve seen him several times check it, to make sure it’s on, to make sure it didn’t somehow forget to stay on. But it’s a computer, of course it’s going to stay on. However as humans we are much less reliable. We forget all the time. I’m a complete believer in the idea that increased online activity has shortened people’s memories. Are we wired to not trust the reliability of computers, because we know we can’t trust the reliability of the wet squishy computers housed inside our skulls? I certainly don’t know the answer to that.

    I am not, however, a believer in the idea that computers/technology are not to be trusted; it’s the other humans operating them that aren’t to be trusted.

    That was a bit of a sidetrack I think. My point is, the Internet (and the other human users on it) can do a whole lot of things to you. It can make you a wildly racist person, a horrendously forgetful person, and probably an alcoholic to some degree. Weird. Kind of scary.

    Don’t be chronically online.
    Don’t be ignorant.
    It’s all about balance, baby.

  • tortue!

    tortue!

    5 novembre 2001

    Je suis allée au parc aujourd’hui. Le parc aux chiens. Guadeloupe a rencontré un autre chien nommé Gilette. Je pense qu’ils feraient des bons amis. Guadeloupe est un chien très… curieux. Autres chiens, tous petits animaux, buissons, arbres. Tout ce que il peut mettre son nez. Aujourd’hui il est particulièrement intéressé à un pierre. J’ai ramassé le pierre moussue et dessous gisait un tortue. Une tortue vert vif avec des rayures en zig-zag bleu. Il avait l’air sympathique et assez petit, donc j’ai décidé de le ramener à ma maison pour étudier et donner à Guadeloupe un ami pour le moment.

    7 novembre 2001

    J’ai pris du temps après le travail ces deux derniers jours pour inspecter cette tortue. Il n’a mangé aucune des fruits secs ou des insectes que je l’ai donné, et ça c’est étrange. En fait, il ne répond à aucune sorte de stimuli.

    J’ai décidé de l’appeler Thibault.

    10 novembre 2001

    Cette tortue est bizarre. Je l’ai mis dans une boîte en verre que j’avais dans mon sous-sol, mais il a ramper pendant la nuit. Il est entré dans le frigo de l’autre côté de la pièce et a commencé à manger le steak congelé que j’avais là. Guadeloupe ne s’intéresse plus tellement à la chose. Il a été un peu nerveux hier et aujourd’hui. Je ne sais pas pourquoi. Je lui ai dit de descendre au sous-sol pour me rendre visite mais il a refusé. Il ne voulait même pas descendre la première marche de l’escalier.

    12 novembre 2001

    Je me suis réveillé ce matin et j’ai trouvé la tortue dans la cuisine. Il est monté les escaliers. Je ne sais pas comment il a fait ça. Les escaliers n’ont pas de dos; ils sont ouverts. Peut-être que Guadeloupe l’a porté ? Mais là encore, Guadeloupe n’aime pas plus Thibault. Thibault était juste assis par terre dans la cuisine, me regardant quand je suis entré. J’ai essayé de le prendre pour le ramener au sous-sol mais il n’a pas aimé ça. Il m’a mordu le pouce très fort.

    Je saigne depuis un moment.

    19 novembre 2001

    Ce fait une semaine que Thibault m’a mordue. Je dois constamment changer le pansement. Chaque matin, je me réveille et il est dans un endroit différent dans ma maison. C’est un petit jeu que nous jouons. Je dois le retrouver tous les matins. Guadeloupe ne m’approchera pas non plus. Je suppose qu’il a peur du sang.

    20 novembre 2001 

    Thibault était sur moi quand je me suis réveillé ce matin. En me regardant. Avec ces petits yeux perçants. Ces yeux qui ne clignent jamais. Je l’ai fait tomber par terre par accident parce que il m’a fait sursauter. Je l’ai redescendu et j’ai essayé de trouver Guadeloupe, mais je ne l’ai même pas entendu aboyer. Alors j’ai emmené Thibault en bas et il était là. Gisant sur le sol. Mort. Mon chien. Mon pauvre chien. Couché dans une mare de sang. Je me suis précipité pour remettre la tortue dans sa boite en verre et j’ai couru à Guadeloupe. Je le soulevai et lui serrai la tête. Est-il tombé dans les escaliers ? Je ne trouve aucun endroit d’où il saigne. D’où vient tout ce sang ?

    D’où vient tout ce sang ?

    21 novembre 2001

    J’ai enterré Guadeloupe. Mettre un petit drapeau à l’endroit dans mon jardin. Thibault était en fait encore dans sa boite en verre quand je me suis réveillé ce matin. Il n’avait pas bougé. Pendant que je faisais mes rondes habituelles à sa recherche, je me sentais un peu étrange, comme si j’avais des yeux qui me fixaient. Je ne pouvais pas me débarrasser de ce sentiment. Mais je suis descendu et il était là. Avec ces yeux encore une fois.

    Les yeux.

    24 novembre 2001

    Les yeux.

    Les yeux.

    Les yeux.

    Thibault n’a pas bougé depuis des jours. Pourquoi n’a-t-il pas bougé ? Est-il mort aussi ?

    Je n’ai pas bougé non plus. Nous nous regardons juste. Ces petits yeux stupides, puants et perçants. Je détourne le regard un instant puis je sens à nouveau ces yeux sur moi. Je ne peux pas détourner le regard.

    Je ne peux pas détourner le regard.

    Ne peux pas.

    Détourner.

    Le regard.